Lost In a Daze

I sat there quietly, lost in thought, and yet my mind was blank. I was lost in another daze, not quite unconscious, not quite conscious. All I could hear was my heart pounding, all I could feel was the steady stream of tears down my face. Suddenly my phone rang and I sprang up to answer it. It was my older sister, Jessica. Over the tears I told her that I have some terrible news and I needed her to come over immediately. I only showed so much emotion when it was REALLY warranted, so she new it was serous. She said she would leave work right away and come over. I hung up and sat back down. Then one by one I went through the same conversation with my mom, then my little sister, Lauren.

One by one they came over, and over and over again I told the same story. They were all obviously very concerned. Jessica asked if the Dr. had told me what kind of tumor it was. He hadn’t. She sifted through my scans and came across a form. It outlined what kind of tumor I had and how big it was. A 5.4 cm Vestibular Schwannoma, also known as an Acoustic Neuroma. None of us had ever heard of it, so we immediately got on my laptop and Googled it. I was a bit relieved to find that it was a benign tumor and it was completely outside of the brain!! My anxiety eased a bit when I read that, and I let out a sigh of relief.

We sat together for awhile after that, just sifting through article after article. Eventually someone got the idea to see what we could find on Youtube. That was a somewhat bad idea. There were some survivor videos, they were very informative. Other videos showed actually surgeries!! We quickly put the laptop down after watching a minute of one of those videos. That was a bit too much for all of us. We sat there for awhile longer, me in a half daze now, and them trying to console me.

Not long after my mom suggested that we get out of the house and get something to eat. Anything to get my mind off of this I thought. We had lunch, but for obvious reasons I just wasn’t able to enjoy myself. After lunch we went back to my place and just spent some time together, talking mostly. As day turned into night they slowing started to make their leave. I went through my usual bedtime routine that night. It’s one of those things everyone has done so many times that they don’t even have to think. I sat in bed quietly for a short time, thinking. The following week I had my appointment at Stanford.  What would they say? I really had no idea. I was so exhausted from the day’s events that I just couldn’t gather my thoughts. I decided that obsessing over it was not helping, and would probably drive me crazy. So I turned out the lights and got into bed. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

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